he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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