So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
