i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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