HIV tests are more positive than that guy
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
