i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I think I won the penis lottery.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
