Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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