A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
