In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
i believe in u and ur pee
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
