She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
