I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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