let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
