I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
