dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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