Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
