I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
