she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
