i just sent this text using only my big toe
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
