I'm so fucking centered right now
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
