I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize
