I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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