Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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