I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
