i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
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I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
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You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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