Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
