Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
