dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
