I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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