I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
