dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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