If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
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