When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Please don't give away my fajitas
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
