He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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