i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
