We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
