I wish my penis had an off switch
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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