I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
