I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
