At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
