good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
