Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
