True but thats because hes a fetus.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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