Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
