Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
