if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
