Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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