I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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