If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
