Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
