If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
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Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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