I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize