I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize