You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
