I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
