I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
