Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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