hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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